My beloved husband, Edward, was born in 1964 and died in 1990. Today is his birthday. I am bit down and emotion whole day. I restrict myself as eating vegetarian food for memorising him. This man changed my whole life.
In Sept of 1986, my classmates and I graduated from my university to a company. Before that, no university graduate was willing to join this company. So, we were treated as privilege and lived in luxury dormitories where located in the city town, 100 miles from Shanghai. My husband came from other university at same year. He was a local guy and did not need to stay in company dormitory. In addition, as we came from two different universities, we had no contact until summer in 1987.
One day, in the summer of 1987, he had his nose operation and stayed in hospital where was 5-minute walk from my dormitory in the city town. Suddenly, he knocked my door and asked a bowl for his meal in the company canteen. I gave him an empty bowl, then, he left for the canteen. Few minutes late, I realised I didn’t give him a spoon or a pair of chopsticks which he may not have been able to eat. So, I picked one pair of chopsticks quickly and rushed into the canteen and looked for him. He was in a queue. I called him and he looked at me. I gave him the pair of chopsticks. He asked me why to give him the chopsticks. I replied that I thought he needed it for eating. Then, I disappeared from the canteen. Probably one month late, he returned my bowl and sat in my dormitory for half day. I couldn’t remember what we talked about. But, definitely, I had no sense of what would happen in my life. Then, late, every weekend, he came to my dormitory, sitting and chatting.
Six months late, I sensed something would have been happening. My classmates, Paul and Jiang, stayed next to my dormitory. They also sensed same. One day, Paul and Jiang together came to my dormitory and asked me about this. I replied to them with not sure. Paul and Jiang said to me not to worry about, they would help me to solve any problem. Paul and Jiang are my classmates. We have known each other since we joined the same university and have maintained good relationship so far. They are very good at protecting my interests and like brothers to me. They commit to my grandmother to take responsibility for me in a rural small town from Shanghai. So, without my knowing, Paul and Jiang talked to my husband seriously with mass questions, including my husband’s family history, habits, how many girls felt in love with and who they were and so on. Also, Paul and Jiang found excuses to visit my husband’s family and talked to my husband’s parents and tried to develop friendship with my husband’s parents in order to detect something several times. Paul and Jiang did success to build good relationship with my husband’s parents until now. After Paul and Jiang did so much for me, they told me not to go further with my husband, as my husband’s family had heart-attack illness record. I was young and ignored their warning completely.
I felt in love with my husband in late 1987. I asked my husband about what the reason for him to chase me, as I am not a beauty looking girl, he replied me because the bowl and the pair of chopsticks. He said to me when I gave him the pair of chopsticks, he felt my kindness and warm-hearted. The bowl and the chopsticks were the media of our marriage and also changed my life completely.
When my family in Shanghai knew about my thing in early 1988, my parents and my relatives were all angry with me except my old grandmother. From their eyes I should fall in love with a guy who has peer, a bit rich family background with my family, as I am the first grandchild in the third generation of my family and the apple of my grandmother's eyes. I had to go back to Shanghai where my family is every weekend. Since I felt in love with my husband, I tried to find any excuses and went back shanghai biweekly instead. I couldn’t tell my family about the illness history of my husband’ family.
The things went wrong with my family. My parents, uncles and aunts tried everything to stop me to love with this guy who was from a working-class family. In 1988, the Chinese New Year, my husband brought a lot of gift and went to Shanghai to see my parents. My parents didn’t let him in my family’s door. That was very much hurt my heart and gave him very much pressure. My husband never talked to me about this incident. After that, I didn’t go back to see my parents. I only went back to see my grandmother. In July of 1988, I went to see my aunts and uncles in Hong Kong for three months. During my visiting in HK, my aunts and uncles tried to introduce 8 men who were HongKongers to me in order to attract me by one of those men and result to stop the relationship with my husband. I refused to meet them all. When I came back to Shanghai in Oct 1988 from HK, my husband refused to see me in Shanghai, as he felt I would go with someone else already. After my grandmother called him, he finally came to Shanghai to see me when it was three days late. I understood my trip to HK gave him great deep pressure. He had prepared to give up and faced anything. He never told me that. For solving out our security, we decided to get register ASAP. I only consulated with my grandmother about the registation, she nodded and gave a ring to me for showing her support. Then, we registered as an official couple in late of Oct 1988. We planned to go wedding in Oct 1990 when we had our saving over HKD5000 for paying for our wedding by ourselves. In fact, we never had such amount of saving in our life.
As helped by my aunts, my husband and I were allocated to work in a company where closed to HK and while my grandmother lived in HK. We had a quite peaceful time and forgot all family conflict shortly, only hardworking instead all family pressure.
In May 1990, he had had three-day headache and high fever; we misunderstood as he caught a flu. In the fourth day morning at 2:30am, he waked me up and called for hospital. I saw he was extreme painful and black eyes around him. I called the factory manager immediately and other friends in the company. Then, my colleagues helped me to get a vehicle while he was already fainted. My colleague tried to give him heart-beating during the whole journey to hospital. When we arrived hospital, the doctor announced his death by heart attack. Only two and half hours time when I knew this. I couldn’t believe that and then unable to give my signature on the death certificate. The factory manager, on behalf of me, got all processes through.
The company called for two family gathering to the funeral. There was the first time for the two family’s seniors meeting together. My Canada uncle was great worried about my parents’ behaviour during the funeral, he came to be the family top senior to balance the two family’s meeting. As my uncle's help, the funeral was conduced smoothly. According to Chinese customs, I couldn’t go anywhere within those 49 days from my husband’s death. People believe if I went somebody’s home within the 49 days, I would bring bad luck to them. As a result, I was only way to my husband’s home for installation him ashes in his hometown and stayed until the 49 days over. My classmates, Paul and Jiang, came to see me every week. I spent two months life with my husband’s parents. They are very good parents, understandable, good listeners, and kindness. So far, I remain good relationship with them. As I live in HK, my classmates, Paul and Jiang, on behalf of me, look after them and also look after the grave of my husband.
I regret to have given my husband such huge family pressure which was one of reason resulted his death, but not regret not listening to Paul and Jiang’s warning on the illness record in my husband’s family. However, I great thank Paul and Jiang like my real brothers to look after me and my husband’s parents. They are my best friends in my life.
My husband has become my Buddha for 15 years. I know he is looking after me in the sky and in my soul. Whatever, any life I have to face, I know he is there to protect me forever.
Rest in peace, my beloved husband.
, a place full of pubs in Central of Hong Kong. Everytime, when I was there, I intended to have drink. However, I never walked in. hopefully, I can replace this picture soon.
Ciyin is my beloved Canadian niece and is learning how to brush her tooth, just aged under 2
My niece, the little bean is called by her parents. For me, Elizabeth is the given English name, the charming and smiling little girl, aged 1 year enjoys reading, may become my successor of learning.
The Biggles, a pet dog of Sue, died in 2002 with aged 17.
I never saw a Robin until one day I received a Christmas card from my boyfriend. A lovely robin was printed on the card. Since then, I started to search what the little bird is about. When I sat in front of window for my study, sometimes, real robins would stand on the bird-table in my garden. I was excited to see them and not to study anymore and enjoyed watching their every movement, particularly interested in their red breasts. In legend, the robin so ‘loves mankind both live and dead’ that it can never leave a corpse unburied. This idea is echoed in the lyrics of an old English ballad, the babes in the wood. 
In English legend, only early bird will catch worm. A Japanese artist made this picture. When I first saw it, immediately loved it. This bird is struggling for survival on the withered tree, maybe early or late. It may be myths of my life, as I do everything for myself is late. For example, when I realised my life had to go on, I was 33 after 8 years depression from my husband death. When I realised I had to get a master, I was 38 when most people said to me not to quit my career for learn overseas; When I realised I need to plan for savings, I was 40 and unemployed; When I realised I need a stable my own space, I was not enough money to afford it. When I realised I need a medical insurance for my elderly life, but nowhere to get one in HK. When I face this late situation, I seem as same as this bird. So, I give myself an another name, the late bird. Whatever early or late, the spirit for making life excellent can’t be ignored. Learning from own realisation is never too late. 
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China, 2003
Japan 2005
Old Hong Kong 
